End of year blues

Last Tuesday Andrea and I said our goodbyes to nursing.  Yes, I did cry.  That night my sister-in-law and darling nephew came to stay with us for a few days, and I cried some more.  I felt so hollow-- dedicating over a year and my body to the survival and comfort of my child and in one moment it was all over.  The next day I ran some errands and when I didn't have to hurry home to feed Andrea I realized I had a new freedom.  I waved at the sorrow from the day before and looked forward to my new life with a toddler.

The next few days were bliss.  Andrea and her cousin played together beautifully.  My sister-in-law and I could talk for a couple of hours without being interrupted because those two kept each other entertained.  Christmas Eve my in-laws left and Andrea began to change.  Without the distractions of another toddler she became suuuuuuuper clingy, demanding constant cuddles and attention.  I'm struggling again.  This completely snuggle-resistant child now wants to be wrapped up in my arms all day-- which is cute, but also exhausting.  It leaves me wondering if she's missing and craving that special time together we spent nursing.

Monday night Paul and I got hit with the flu.  We spent the entire night taking turns in the bathroom emptying our stomachs.  Twenty-four hours later we were both physically better, but my spirit still felt so heavy.

Perhaps it's my hormones adjusting or cabin fever. . . whatever it is, I am feeling so blue, inadequate, and small.

But I'm planning on feeling better today.  I just have to. . . because I want to.