Saturday, September 10, 2011

I like big butts and I can not lie

Paul and I are worried.

Just outside our door and also up the stairs two black widows moved in and began their intimidation tactics. Oh, and they were good at what they did! But we didn’t really require their services and not-so-kindly asked them to evacuate (a.k.a. Paul smashed them). Then, my sweet husband began thinking about the spider neighbors and wondered if our fat widow at the top of the stairs was mourning the death of her husband by fooling around with the spider by the door. Could they have made a love child/children?

You may be wondering how I knew they were a boy and a girl. Well, that was the easy part.

 The female had a big butt.

The male had a small butt.

They’re just like me and Paul.
I can neither confirm or deny that this picture may or may not have been photoshopped. . . ;) 
On the way to grocery store this morning Paul scanned the stairwell for the love nest and thankfully found nothing.  However, this peaked my interest in the couple.  How many nights did Claira (what I named the female) spend hanging upside down in her widowed solitude until on a warm summer night and down the concrete steps she laid eight eyes on a lean, mean, web-spinning machine named Rocco?  Ecstatic to have someone to converse with, did she venture down to greet her new neighbor with a Harrison Ford pie?  (Harrison Ford was a beetle we found in her web.)  How long did they chat before Rocco revealed he was a widower?  Did they share stories about their dearly departed and find comfort in each others arms?  Did Claira wake up feeling nauseous in the mornings and tell Rocco about the miracle inside her?  Did they both take turns standing watch over the egg nest?  Were they alive to meet their children?

And we destroyed this!!  While our butt connection bonded us, at the first convenient moment I ordered Paul to splash them with hairspray and stomp on them with his tennis shoe.  Being the guilt sponge that I am I felt terrible thinking, who am I to play Shakespeare and kill off star-crossed lovers?  That is, until I read this:
The Back Widow Spider can inflict a painful bite which can be fatal, especially to the young and elderly.
Andrea's bedroom, just a few feet from our front door, came to mind and all the spider love in the world can't compare to my love for Andrea.  Yup.  Those two had to go.


  1. You should write stories, that was awesome.

    I had my mom squish what looked like three baby Black Widows... INSIDE our house. I hope theres not more.

  2. Haha...that was an awesome post! :)