Sunday, July 4, 2010

When I write late at night. . .

Today is my sister-in-laws birthday and Paul and I will be heading out soon to celebrate.  I knew today would be busy so I wrote a blog entry last night.  I read over it this afternoon in horror.  Alas, I don't have time to write something new so. . . enjoy some moody ramblings:

The fireworks have commenced and there will be little sleep for the next couple hours as the loud cracks and whistles pierce through our open bedroom window.  I'm wishing desperately that I had slowed down a little on the last book I devoured leaving at least a couple chapters for this evenings late night.  Alas, I am bookless and bored.

I once read that to be a good blogger you must be self-absorbed.  You must believe that you are so important that people lay awake at night wondering when your next post will be.  I'm a terrible blogger.

Because I'm having a really difficult time loving myself at all right now.  I feel like I've been transported back to junior high and every insecurity I've ever had has come to pay a visit.  Hopefully it's a visit.  I really don't want them moving in.  I find myself self-conscious about the way I walk and laugh and speak.  I wonder if people are looking at the new crop of zits sprouting on my chin.  I feel fat, slow, clumsy, and anxious.

I want to write about my baby.  I want to write about feeling it move for the first time this week and scheduling my ultrasound.  Then I feel annoyed at myself and wonder if others are too.  I think I talk about it too much.

I think talk too much in general.  It's driving me crazy.  I'm driving me crazy.  I hate being stuck inside this brain and drowning in this whirl of negative thought.  Everything irritates me and yet, I feel lonely and long to be with people-- people that love me-- people I could hurt and bring down with my growing pessimism.  I don't want them to see me like this.  I don't want to see me like this.  AH!  The confusion. . . Make it go away. . .

Hormones.  Got to love them!  I woke up this morning feeling like the eighth world wonder.  Go figure.


  1. Kayla, Kayla, KAYLA!
    I always wonder about this, about you. You are THE MOST beautiful, funny, talented, cute, and fun person I know, and yet, you deal with these problems! I struggle with self-esteem, and have always wished to be you, with your uplifting smile and bright face. I never ever ever want you to doubt that you are an amazing person. There are so many people in this world that love you very much, and if you think someone hates you, they're just jealous of your perfectness! Remember that always. Jr. High isn't a good place for a lot of people. And teenagers are stupid, don't look back at what they once said as the truth, because it isn't. People say bad things about others to make theirselves look better. But if you have the Spirit shining about you, you don't need that. People can look at you and tell you are a genuine person.
    I'll always love you with all of my heart!

  2. It only gets worse... haha. i have one month to go and my hormones are wilder than ever. I feel terrible one morning - gigantic - agoraphobic - then fine - happy - etc. it's a psychological journey! Now I just feel bigger than an hippo or a massive water balloon - and will have a hard road back to my prepregnancy body but oh well! its worth it! love!