Sunday, November 15, 2009

Fatal Family Home Evening

Family Home Evening is often so bitter sweet. It's forced family fun which usually makes it not so much fun. But I suppose quality time happens because of quantity time, and this allowed for some really amazing experiences to happen because my mom and dad insisted on having Family Home Evening. Embarrassing as it is to admit, we children were not always so willing to participate. My older sister was particularly vocal about her dislike for family activities. That was years ago and it was my assumption that she had grown out of it. However, spending a Monday with me two weeks ago must have brought up some painful memories. You see, she tried to kill me. I made her a promise that night in the adrenaline-based delirium that I would blog about the events that follow. So, in the most detail-oriented manner I must relate the account as untainted as possible. But it won't be pretty.

Our adventure began in the afternoon at 4:00. Janell was getting new glasses and needed someone with a fashion sense to help her pick the perfect frame. Needless to say, I was not her first choice considering I can't even match my socks. I still agreed to go and asked her to join me for FHE while Paul was at study group. It was when I got into her car that I realized her vendetta toward this activity.

Let me give you a background on Janell's car. Janell has a horse. Janell cleans up after her horse, if you know what I mean. Then Janell must drive home to shower after horse poopey clean up. Sometimes Janell's car can have a smell that to a certain degree in the most pleasant way of course, resembles the smell of the object in which she had the privileged of cleaning up after.

However, as much as horse lovers seem to love the smell of their horse, philistines like myself do not always revel in such scents. Aware that this is the case, my sister tries to keep her car infused with a fragrance pleasing for all. Especially little old ladies. Her car smells like lavender granny perfume. As I got in the car, we joked about her air freshener some, but the conversation was cut short by what came next.

She turned her steering wheel away from the curb and her whole car roared this loud and depressing groan. "What was that noise?" I demanded. She shrugged her shoulders and rattled of some car system that need fixed. I've noticed that when your dad knows everything about cars you find yourself repeating what you hear only without any of the background knowledge as to what you are really talking about. But I trusted that if she had been riding around with this problem for sometime and was still alive, then I could live through an afternoon in that car.

Driving down State street was fairly simple. No groans or quick manuvers of any kind. Just me and my sister singing as loud and as off key as we could to Reba. But soon we arrived at Wal-Mart and pulled into a parking place. GrrrrArrrrNNNnnAwWWarrRR!! It was as if the axles were riding a roller coaster: hanging on with all they have but screaming the whole way. My fear made me what to go home and get my car. Annoying as it is to bang on the starter with a hammer to make it go, it at least sounds better. But my mouth took over before anything else, as it usually does.

"Janell, you have got to stop eating so many beans because they are just not sitting well with you." I thought about what I said after I said it and her car did sound like it had a gas problem. (Get it, GAS problem! Ha ha ha! Never mind. . .) But the smell of lavender just didn't coincide with noise. I started feeling disoriented by the conflicting scene. Lavender farts. Eek.

As we continued our errands of the afternoon/evening the groaning only got worse. Our last stop was Costco. We turned into the lot, barely missing a car and then a curb all the while "GrrrrArrrrNNNnnAwWWarrRR" was competing with poor Reba in the background. Through the fancy maneuvers I grabbed on for what I thought might be my last moments of life as Janell cheerfully reminded me of what the eye doctor had said just two hours ago. Her old glasses were on the verge of useless, and she badly needed new ones. I felt so assured riding with my blind sister in a car about to fall apart. I wondered if we should say a prayer. I wondered if I'd ever see that man I love again. I wondered where she bought that cheep lavender air freshener. It was so much wondering that I hoped I might black out and wake up at home.

But I didn't.

But I did live.

And once back in my apartment, Janell and I had a pleasant dinner and movie. Then she groaned off in her car into the darkness leaving me wondering if I had chosen a different day of the week, say a day where she had new glasses, if I might have been just a bit safer.

Janell, it was fun. Let's do it again. I'll drive. ;P


  1. My car may be noisy but it is perfectly safe. :P Dad said so. He knows all.

  2. Sounds like I missed a lot of fun! ;-)