Saturday, August 11, 2012

My first love

I don't think I can remember many times in my life where I've lack more confidence than I do now. At the end of this month I am going back to school, hoping to complete my degree by 2015.  It's been less than two years since I've walked the musky halls of an old college building, but it feels as though I'm stepping out of the 1800's to a new bizarre world of learning.  My last semester was during my third trimester.  Andrea was born the first day of finals week, and just 3 days postpartum I waddled on to campus for my exams.  Sitting in the JSB testing center, tears streamed down my face.  Each chair that squeaked sounded just like my precious newborn cuddled in the arms of another human seven miles away.  I feel as though a decade has past since I was that young mom, and I'm full of fear.

Because the feeling of youth has generally left me, I find myself worrying if my feeble mind is up to the task of educational rigor.  Will my rate of retention be equal to that of my younger self?  How will it feel to be the old mom on the class of eighteen year old whipper-snappers?  How will I keep up with my household responsibilities or cope with not being home to lay my daughter down to sleep every night?  I've already made a lengthy mental list of all the reasons I shouldn't do this.

But a fire of learning burns in my soul and yearns to prove itself.  My inner voice tells me school will only be more difficult the longer I wait.  My husband supports me and wants me to know what it feels like to stare at that embossed diploma.  After all, he has two.  So I've signed up for classes, readied my work station, and prayed hard, so hard the tension of my words being forced to heaven have pushed me prostrate on the floor night after night.

The upcoming back-to-school date has become my new deadline.  Sewing projects, cleaning assignments, and copious amounts of socializing must be completed now to fill the void I will create myself as I withdraw from society a bit for the sake of essays and assignments.  And I find it somewhat amusing that the rhythm of life I resisted for so long is being so disrupted just as I've come to love it so dearly.

So, please, if you see me at the grocery store and I burst into tears, know it's how I fight away insanity.  And if you see me on campus and I'm glowing, know it's because as hard as this next chapter may prove to be, learning was that first love I never got over.

1 comment:

  1. So happy for your new adventure! You will do great! :)