I'm all signed up for classes, and today I ordered my parking pass. My fears and anxieties are beginning to fade as excitement builds in my chest. It's all I can do to not tell the cashier at the grocery store that I'm going back to school. I only feel guilty at the burden I'm placing on Paul to be mommy and daddy Tuesday through Thursday evenings. But I've been an education widow to a full-time student for the past three years. Now it's Paul's turn.
Saturday one of my best friends got married. As Paul and I pulled out of the driveway to attend the blessed event, we discovered my car had a flat tire. Thank heavens we have two vehicles. We loaded the car seat into Paul's Honda and took it up to Salt Lake. As we merged on the freeway and the temperature in the car began to rise (both of our cars have broken A/C), anger began to bubble beneath my skin. Sweet Paul tried to make sense of my sudden shift in mood as I tried to explain without crying, though I hardly understood it myself. As the words left my lips, however, it became clear what my frustration was all about.
I wish I could say that day was atypical, but it wasn't. Cars breaking down left and right is normal for us. And as Paul sped down I-15, I could not imagine a world any different. That's what made me so mad. I felt doomed to starving student life, driving clunkers in constant disrepair, and having to make homemade wedding gifts because I can't afford something on the registry. . I am ashamed of those feelings, but they were real. Miraculously, God gifted my bitter heart with a tender mercy. The air conditioning choked out enough puffs of cold air to keep us from showing up to the wedding dripping in sweat. I probably didn't deserve it, but I'm glad to have received it.
This Sunday I got a new calling in my ward that has to do with scouting. Scouting! I know literally nothing about scouting except they decorate bland-colored shirts and carve pinewood derby cars. Oh, and pee in camp fires. I called my mom who told me I needed training and certification. I'll have Pack Meetings, Round Table, and some kind of committee meeting. I was completely overwhelmed. How was I supposed to fit all this in to my school, family, and housekeeping schedule? Thankfully, I was given a blessing on Sunday setting me apart for the job. In the blessing I was told that I'd be able to find balance and my burdens would be made easy. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Sometimes I forget that the Lord is aware of me and that I matter. But I do. We all do. This weekend it was nice to be reminded.