Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The calm before the storm

I seems that the last few months have been full of worries.  From what I've observed, worries are like dirty clothes.  If not taken care of they pile up.  But almost all of my current worries seem quite out of my control.

And it's no secret I have control issues.

So I have tried a few different things to help me handle these worries.  The first was journaling.  My poor journal, pink and Asian, had been withering underneath my bed for almost three years holding only a couple entries documenting my married life.  Oi.  In high school I was an avid journalist who regurgitated my ridiculous teenage thoughts and upsets onto the pages of some unfortunate paper.  After Paul and I started dating I just got out of the habit

A month ago, as I felt tension building around me, I retreated to staring at pictures of furniture and wallowing in ingratitude.  When I realized the harm it was causing my spirit I dusted off my journal where I began writing down the blessings that surrounded me.  The power of prayer, the opportunity I have to be with my daughter every day, a hard working man who loves me, no shinsplints after a long walk, clean water to drink, a dishwasher, beautiful music, my imperfect body. . . but as thankful as my days ended, they often began with feelings of fear and worry.

And because I didn't properly cleanse myself of job-after-graduation worries, my-father's-health worries, my-mother's-health worries, my-mother-in-law's-health worries, family-job-situation worries, calling worries, Andrea worries, and Paul worries piled up, filled their figurative laundry baskets, and overflowed onto the floor.

Stinky, piling-up worry.

Yesterday I laid down for a nap, because I had exhausted myself crying, but before I shut my eyes I was enveloped by the darkness that I was nurturing in my soul.  Then I remembered a scripture.  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

If I had power and a sound mind as I'd been promised, than I had the ability to push away this worry.  I closed my eyes and repeated the scripture to myself until I fell asleep.

Today I feel peace.  Real peace.  Nothing has changed.  People I love are still sick.  Future jobs and stability are still just dreamed about.  But I feel calmer, relaxed, and happy.  I want to keep these feelings for a long time, so I'm ignoring that worried little voice asking if this is just the calm before the storm.

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