Monday, January 23, 2012

My business

I've never considered myself much of a business woman.  In fact, I'm probably an anti-business woman.  I'm so uncomfortable with selling product that I instead insult the product I'm trying push.  No, I've never actually worked a sales job, but I find my reaction to giving away food I've cooked quite illuminating.

Example:  Paul comes home from school and I greet him at the door wearing my apron, looking oh-so-domestic, and holding a silver platter of freshly baked cupcakes.  I say, "Welcome home darling husband! (I call him that all the time. . .)  Have a cupcake.  I made it so it's probably nasty.  Yeah, the batter was a little runny so I added some oat bran, and then I forgot the pinch of salt in the frosting, so I just sprinkled it on top-- which made it totally gross.  I had to scrape off the tainted part which is why these look so ugly. Enjoy!"  And he'll eat seven because that's what he does.

I can't even sell my own cooking, and that's only the beginning of my pitchman problems.  Despite my long list of business flaws, an idea came to me today that I could not sweep under the rug.

I was making soup for lunch.  Bean and pasta soup, if you must know.  I burnt the onions a little, added too much basil, and the noodles turned into cement on the bottom of the pan because I didn't stir often enough.  (Do you see?  Do you see what I'm talking about?  AHH!)  Whilst I cooked, my little child toddled and crawled below.  Once she became sufficiently bored with all there was to see in my vicinity, she ventured over to the garbage can and had to be relocated to the living room before she started plucking out the moldy contents.

On my way back to the kitchen I stopped in front of the fridge and stared down at the multitude of magnets scattered about the floor.  "If I had a dime for every time I picked these up in a day. . ." I mumbled under my breath.

And that was it.  My new business.  It was like lightning struck and brilliance was born.  I'm going to call it, "Dimes for Magnets."

Here's the master plan: I will count every time I pick up those magnets and get paid one dime per pick up.  Simple, clean, no coworker drama, perfect.  As my business grows I will purchase a second fridge and another set of magnets.  Perhaps I'll hire another little toddler (following child labor laws, of course!) to help Andrea with her work.  I can create a website dedicated to "Dimes for Magnets."

I'll find a ribbon color that's not being used and donate half of my proceeds to the Paying Off the Master's Program (POMP) Fund.

On the website there will be a link to live footage of my kitchen floor so you can be a part of the action.  I will have sponsors who will get a custom magnet, placed loving on my fridge(s), which will not only advertise their business to my live audience, but for every time their logo hits the floor I will donate $. 05 to POMP.  I got two words for you: tax deduction.

Once my company is worth a substantial amount I will go public and sell my shares for an incredibly lucrative amount.  I will then retire due to some astonishingly mysterious back problems.

Now I just need an initial investor to with a lot of dimes.  Any takers?

1 comment:

  1. you can hire Sydnie, because our fridge looks exactly the same as yours lol, we have that same little toy (except it's cars instead) and Sydnie LOVES to knock the magnets off onto the ground lol