Thursday, April 7, 2011
When I tied the knot in May of 2009 Paul and I had a television that only played movies for the first six months and when my aunt sent us a converter box we were thrilled we could watch American Idol, General Conference, and (of course) the Rachel Ray Show. Honestly, I had sorta forgotten about Mr. Seinfeld until after I had the baby. I was pushed into my new life as a nursing mother which entails hours a day sitting and cuddling. Rough, I know. The television became my new friend to keep me from watching the clock and getting antsy during those sitting hours. I liked watching cooking shows and MythBusters and medical mystery documentaries. But I could only take so much before my brain went numb and the shows were melting together into cardiovascular risotto explosions. One fine afternoon, with Andrea eating in my lap, I flipped through the stations hoping something new might catch my attention. What I found was Jerry.
I stopped on the station. I had completely forgotten he was suppose to be such an integral part of my marriage, and I decided to repent by watching the rest of the program. It was time to see what I'd been missing out on. What I saw was. . . absolute confusion. Perhaps it was because I missed the first ten minutes, or the first however many seasons, but I mostly think the show was written to be confusing. I don't remember exactly what the episode was about but it felt something like this:
[Enter Elaine into Jerry's apartment, where everyone seems to enter without knocking or permission.]
Elaine: He actually did it.
Elaine: Yes! And you won't believe where.
Elaine: In the elevator!
Jerry: Is that even legal?
George: Hey guys! What's going on.
Elaine: He did it.
George: Unbelievable! When?
Jerry: Yesterday? But that was a state holiday.
Elaine: I know. On a state holiday in an elevator. How much lower can he stoop?
George: How much?
Jerry: I think that was rhetorical.
Elaine: No, it wasn't.
George: Alright then, how much? Tell me! The suspense is killing me!
Elaine: He used a couple of magnets and my toothbrush.
Jerry: I can see how the magnets would help in the elevator.
Elaine: But he used MY toothbrush!
George: Someone ought to be using it.
Elaine: [Evil glare at George] I do use my toothbrush.
Jerry: So, did you ask him about it?
Elaine: No! What if he does it again? Asking only makes it worse. Besides, he was wearing the yellow suit.
Jerry: [Shrugs] Oh, well if he had on the yellow suit I wouldn't worry about it then.
Kramer: Hey Jerry, can I borrow your blender? My TV reception is getting a little fuzzy.
I was completely confused. I have a feeling I was suppose to be. This man-- this show that was suppose to be such a huge part of marital bliss was nothing like I expected. I thought five minutes would send me reeling with laughter and fill my soul with one liner quotes just like it did for all those couples I looked up to when I was a tween. Instead, I think it killed a couple brain cells.
I'm not saying it was horrible, Seinfeld lovers. Just not for me, not right now. Paul and I have made it this far happily married without it. Did you hear that, Jerry? I don't need you! But if there comes a time when things are feeling strained, I'm sure it'll still be on, waiting to save us from being too serious (or logical).