Seinfeld

My older siblings and I are just two years apart, but some of my best friends from adolescence had sisters and brothers that were already thriving, married adults.  I watched them with their spouses in their little apartments with jealousy.  Married life looked so glamorous because it involved. . . Jerry Seinfeld.  They all watched him like it was a requirement or perhaps part of their nuptial vows.  He was their personal best friend whom they quoted and shared intimate inside jokes with.  Thanks to Jerry they deprived each other of soup and laughed about it.  They debated black and white cookies and Yankee uniforms and hooted and the humor that I didn't understand at all.  But I wanted to, and it made me all the more excited for marriage because marriage didn't just come with a man.  It came with Jerry.

When I tied the knot in May of 2009 Paul and I had a television that only played movies for the first six months and when my aunt sent us a converter box we were thrilled we could watch American Idol, General Conference, and (of course) the Rachel Ray Show.  Honestly, I had sorta forgotten about Mr. Seinfeld until after I had the baby.  I was pushed into my new life as a nursing mother which entails hours a day sitting and cuddling.  Rough, I know.  The television became my new friend to keep me from watching the clock and getting antsy during those sitting hours.  I liked watching cooking shows and MythBusters and medical mystery documentaries.  But I could only take so much before my brain went numb and the shows were melting together into cardiovascular risotto explosions.  One fine afternoon, with Andrea eating in my lap, I flipped through the stations hoping something new might catch my attention.  What I found was Jerry.

I stopped on the station.  I had completely forgotten he was suppose to be such an integral part of my marriage, and I decided to repent by watching the rest of the program.  It was time to see what I'd been missing out on.  What I saw was. . . absolute confusion.  Perhaps it was because I missed the first ten minutes, or the first however many seasons, but I mostly think the show was written to be confusing.  I don't remember exactly what the episode was about but it felt something like this:

[Enter Elaine into Jerry's apartment, where everyone seems to enter without knocking or permission.]
Elaine:  He actually did it.
Jerry:  No!
Elaine:  Yes!  And you won't believe where.
Jerry:  Where?
Elaine:  In the elevator!
Jerry:  Is that even legal?
Elaine:  Apparently.
[Enter George]
George:  Hey guys!  What's going on.
Elaine:  He did it.
George:  Unbelievable!  When?
Elaine:  Yesterday!
Jerry:  Yesterday?  But that was a state holiday.
Elaine:  I know.  On a state holiday in an elevator.  How much lower can he stoop?
George:  How much?
Jerry:  I think that was rhetorical.
Elaine:  No, it wasn't.
George:  Alright then, how much?  Tell me!  The suspense is killing me!
Elaine:  He used a couple of magnets and my toothbrush.
Jerry:  I can see how the magnets would help in the elevator.
Elaine:  But he used MY toothbrush!
George:  Someone ought to be using it.
Elaine: [Evil glare at George] I do use my toothbrush.
Jerry:  So, did you ask him about it?
Elaine:  No!  What if he does it again?  Asking only makes it worse.  Besides, he was wearing the yellow suit.
Jerry:  [Shrugs] Oh, well if he had on the yellow suit I wouldn't worry about it then.
[Enter Kramer]
Kramer: Hey Jerry, can I borrow your blender?  My TV reception is getting a little fuzzy.

I was completely confused.  I have a feeling I was suppose to be.  This man-- this show that was suppose to be such a huge part of marital bliss was nothing like I expected.  I thought five minutes would send me reeling with laughter and fill my soul with one liner quotes just like it did for all those couples I looked up to when I was a tween.  Instead, I think it killed a couple brain cells. 

I'm not saying it was horrible, Seinfeld lovers.  Just not for me, not right now.  Paul and I have made it this far happily married without it.  Did you hear that, Jerry?  I don't need you!  But if there comes a time when things are feeling strained, I'm sure it'll still be on, waiting to save us from being too serious (or logical).