A gift for Paul

Today feels profoundly sunny.  Not outside.  It's in my soul.  It seems as though my confidence in my mothering capabilities revolves around how much sleep I've gotten, and last night was a good night.  The night before was not.

Andrea was tired.  So tired she couldn't sleep and she wanted to use me as a pacifier.  Unless she was nursing she was crying inconsolably and. . . so was I.  My mind was sinking into its dark places where little voices convince me I'm going to ruin the life of this child.  Paul heard me crying in the living room and came to relieve me of my pain.  He took Andrea and listened to her cry while I slipped into the bedroom to compose myself.  Sitting on my side of the bed I wiped my face and cleaned up my smudged mascara.  My scriptures sat on my nightstand and I opened up to Psalms to read this months mantra again.  As it spoke of doing good to husbands I felt guilty.  He was doing me good but I felt I was giving him little.

So yesterday I got a babysitter (thanks, Mom!) and we went out to eat with a gift card I gave Paul for Christmas.  We decided to avoid talking about Andrea and to just focus on each other.  He talked about the professors at UVU and how accounting could be genetic.  I talked about. . . Trading Spaces, which was a television program from years ago.  And I told a very detailed story about Comcast cable.  I laughed at myself on the way home.  I've become boring.

When Andrea and I got home from my mom's house she slept for a little before waking up to eat.  I changed her diaper, fed her, and she dozed for a little while.  Two hours later she woke up to eat again and at 12:45 I put her to bed.  Miraculously, she stayed asleep.  I climbed into my bed.  My bed that I love.  Under our warm electric blanket.  And I wrapped my arms around my husband.  It felt like it'd been forever since I'd slept in the same bed with him because I often spend my nights in the living room nursing and changing diapers.  So as I curled up behind Paul and he hummed happily.  I might not have much to give him, but he doesn't seem to notice.  He likes me anyway.

Andrea has started to make smiles when she's NOT pooping, and she's started making little noises too!

Smiling before her bath.  She didn't realize what was happening.

I finally caught a couple noises.  She usually gets quiet when I pull out the camera so I was thrilled at what I got!