I wish I had the words to articulate my current feelings about life. I sometimes try to explain them to various people but as the words exit my mouth I'm already thinking, "No, that's not quite right." The mounting frustration over the inability to express has caused me to stutter more than I'd like to admit. I have very few moments of quite reflection and, depending on the intensity of my hormones and the amount of sleep I've had, the mood of the moment varies greatly.
after bringing Sam home from the hospital I sat on my bed nursing the
newborn. I stared down at his beautifully fuzzy noggin and sweet, pink
cheeks and was sideswiped by a desire to never nurse again. Apathy
filled my chest and I didn't care about the benefits of breast milk or
oxytocin or the calories burned. I just didn't want to be sharing my
body with anyone anymore. Call it claustrophobia or postpartum
depression, but whatever it was, it felt like I'd been shocked by a taser. Stunned and confused, I pulled the thought down for analysis and worried it around until I felt confident enough to discard it. I kept nursing. I'm still nursing.
On the second of July Paul was late coming home from work. I knew that the holiday
would mean extra load of auditing duties for him that week, but I found
myself annoyed that I had to be home alone with the kids for so many
hours. Unable to get my two week old to nap I spent the afternoon
carrying around a crying infant while the two year old begged me for
food, affection, and a little peace and quiet. When Paul walked through
the door and spent a whole minute opening the mail before relieving me of the hysterical
baby, steam whistled from my ears and the pressure of holding back a
snippy comment caused my temples to ache. Meanwhile, I took that snippy
comment and, like a scientist, tested it for rationality and reason.
When the results came back negative for both, I took a deep breath and
blew the remaining steam out of my mouth as I forced the ugly thought
into my mental trashcan.
Most days I feel this
disconnection from my thoughts. It's as if they are being placed there
by some hormone fairy with a twisted sense of humor. Yet, the amount of effort required to combat these cognitions is almost more than my sleepless self can handle.
Tomorrow is moving day and between packing, crying/attention-starved toddler, hungry and wailing baby, and all of the coordination required to insure appliances, a truck, and helping hands, I think I might have a meltdown. Wish me luck!