Thursday, June 9, 2011

A new me

I'm beginning to feel almost human again.  This new sleep routine is something a girl could get use to.  After a couple of smooth days I expected Andrea to pull out the big guns and accost me with a fit of sleep rebellion, which she hasn't.  Before a nap we read a story or two and then I tell her it's time to go night-night.  Armed with her binky in her mouth and a soft teddy bear in her arms I kiss her, tell her I love her, and cover her unswaddled body with a soft yellow blanket.  Most of the time, she turns her head to the side, lets out a quiet sigh, and drifts to sleep quietly and calmly.  Occasionally, she'll fuss for a minute while I step out of the room, but soon she gives in to her tired eyes.

Now if we could stop getting up two to five times a night we'd be cooking!

When we moved into our current apartment we had very little time to settle in.  We moved on a Saturday, went to church on Sunday, and started back at school on Monday.  Because we both worked and juggled school we had very little time at home.  I quit my job just before Thanksgiving and Andrea was born the first day of finals.  Out of my tummy, my daughter introduced me to the madness that is motherhood and I've been trying to catch up ever since.  Now that she's taking good naps she's happier when she's awake and a little more inclined to let me accomplish household tasks.  I'm currently delving into our storage room and unpacking some of the boxes that have been neglected.

The more I do the more I see that needs done.  Areas, like my pantry, that didn't feel like a problem before are starting act out, yearning for my attention.  But my house is not the only place I feel tasks piling up to unnatural heights.  I'm feeling overwhelmed about everything and my overwhelmed, exhausted brain is compensating by letting things go.

I forgot it was June.  I forgot to pay rent until a week into the month.  I forgot to do my monthly reports for Primary.  I forgot to sign inside the box on an important form.  I forgot to wash towels when I said I would.  I forgot that Paul said not to make tuna chowder.  I forgot what day my birthday was.  I forgot what day of the week it was almost every day of the week.  I forgot to wear socks and got a blister.  I forgot to brush my teeth one night and woke up with the worst taste in my mouth.   I forgot what time I put Andrea down or fed her more times than I'd like to count.   I forgot I had a wet pillow in the dryer that was only wet because I forgot to change Andrea's diaper when she woke up and it leaked all over us and the pillow while she was nursing.


And today it came out and I laid on my bed and tried to convince myself aloud that I was not always like this.  But I'm forgetting what I was like before so I may have to write it down.

While pondering the complexities of my personality and brain B.C. (before child) I realized that I'll never be that girl again.

And I was suddenly okay with that.

I am on this beautiful earth to learn, grow, and become more and more like a perfect savior.  The trials of now are preparing me and teaching me.  I'm being broken down like a worked muscle so I can get stronger.  Returning to exactly as I was before would be digression.  I need to take what I'm learning and create a new me.  Hopefully a better me. 

I kind of wonder what the new me will be like because if she's like I am now she's just a little too forgetful.  Maybe I'll work on that. . . if I remember.

1 comment:

  1. Those cupcakes look yummy and beautiful! Good job!

    Oh... and I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like losing her mind after having a baby!!! Some people make it look so easy! You are doing a wonderful job though and thanks for sharing- you write things out how I wish I could!

    Lindsey Francom