Certain familiar smells are creeping into the air. Customers at work are coming in smelling like mall cologne samples and leather. Christmas shopping has begun. Outside has taken on its fall fragrance of rich earth, wet pavement, and decaying leaves. Ironic how the smell of a dying season brings so much life to the one it's replacing. Upon entering my home, the smell of cinnamon and vanilla wafts below my nose and I long for holiday cooking and family gatherings. This is a glorious time.
Just a few weeks away from giving birth and the reality of becoming a parent is slowly nestling itself into my bones, radiating from my core and pulsing down to my toes. People tell me I still look so small, but I feel BIG. I feel on top of the world and full of a life I've never experienced. I feel like I'm home staring in the mirror at a person I barely recognize yet have known forever. She's always been there, this strong presence, but I've been afraid to see her. But when I was so weak, the little one inside me pulled that strength to the surface as if to say, "It's about time. You may need this!"
I don't fear labor and I don't fear pain. I've been called crazy for wanting to give birth naturally, but I feel so in-tune with my body right now that I can't imagine going through such a transcending experience and not feeling it. I want to know. This curiosity burns inside me begging for me to satiate its desire to have such a mortal experience. I could be crazy after all.
I also know that a birth plan and the actual event can be quite different. My sweet mother didn't plan on a c-section with her first two, but it happened that way. So, I'm praying for an opportunity to give birth as I've outlined, but I've told God I'm up for alternatives if it means getting my little girl here safely.
Saturday was my last day of work. The bittersweet experience did not make me cry as I thought I would. Yes, there will be people I'll miss, but my heart has been so full of a peace that I can't seem to shake. Not that I want to. I feel I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be in this moment.