My thoughts have visited some dark places today. I made the mistake of listening to songs about dying children and mothers saying goodbye and my heart broke. I never want to lose this little one.
Having said that, I am struggling with the symptoms of pregnancy. I’ve been nauseous for a month now. A month with the flu, only rest and twenty four hours don’t end this escapade. I’ve avoided wishing this away, but it has crept into my mind. That scares me most. No one knows these thoughts, these ‘when will this end?’ thoughts, except God, and I forget He’s omnipotent and has a perfect understanding my intentions. Yet, I irrationally assume that He will know my desires and interpret them incorrectly. I have nightmares where He takes my baby away.
That will end the symptoms, and that’s what I wanted, right?
No, I didn’t mean it like that.
Or I have these horrid dreams about losing my baby because He knows what I so ardently try not to think about. I’m not ready to be a parent.
But you never are, really.
Amid all the darkness of this hormonal and queasy state He reminds me how things really are.
“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth. Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.” (D&C 50:40-42)
This isn’t supposed to be easy, and I’m still growing. Best of all, I’m not doing this alone.
I am going to be fine, and I think this will be an amazing experience. Maybe I need an ick factor to help me appreciate it.