Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pregnant thoughts

My thoughts have visited some dark places today.  I made the mistake of listening to songs about dying children and mothers saying goodbye and my heart broke.  I never want to lose this little one.

Having said that, I am struggling with the symptoms of pregnancy.  I’ve been nauseous for a month now.  A month with the flu, only rest and twenty four hours don’t end this escapade.  I’ve avoided wishing this away, but it has crept into my mind.  That scares me most.  No one knows these thoughts, these ‘when will this end?’ thoughts, except God, and I forget He’s omnipotent and has a perfect understanding my intentions.  Yet, I irrationally assume that He will know my desires and interpret them incorrectly.  I have nightmares where He takes my baby away. 

That will end the symptoms, and that’s what I wanted, right? 

No, I didn’t mean it like that.

 Or I have these horrid dreams about losing my baby because He knows what I so ardently try not to think about.  I’m not ready to be a parent.

But you never are, really.

Amid all the darkness of this hormonal and queasy state He reminds me how things really are.

“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.  Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.” (D&C 50:40-42)

This isn’t supposed to be easy, and I’m still growing.  Best of all, I’m not doing this alone.

I am going to be fine, and I think this will be an amazing experience.  Maybe I need an ick factor to help me appreciate it.


  1. I KNOW you didn't wish your baby away, you just wished the SICKNESS away. Some women are blessed to have bodies that don't get nauseous during pregnancy, and you wish you were one of them. It's okay to wish for that :)

  2. You're such a good writer, I enjoy reading you blog! It's nice to know someone my age who's about to have a baby :) If you think you're not ready to be a mom, think again-for me it was natural and I'm sure it will be the same way with you! Just don't stress about it!

  3. I FELT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY - the constant flu wears you down more than you'd expect and every day you pray the baby 'sticks' but wonder what is going to happen..
    I went through that exactly as you wrote. I think if you didn't worry about if you are going to be a good parent you wouldn't be one. :)
    I know you will be an amazing one.
    I want you to know that this is just one phase in many complex phases to come where you will feel every emotion possible. Pregnancy is hard - but I feel like its hard to get you ready now - I am 29 weeks today and I'm in the phase of wow I can see the light at the end of the tunnel + aww I don't want this to end - its a strange mix. I know what his little face looks like and I feel his every move and I'm petrified. Just breathe through this part - After 12 - 14 weeks it gets better. I finally feel ok. I try to stay as calm as possible since the baby can feel my every emotion. But all these other feelings are totally normal.
    LOVE YOU! love the other member of the BABIES 2010 club. x