But in a good way. It's the kind of tired you get when you spend a week putting everything you've got into work for little return, but continue to do so because self-discipline is never a bad quality to develop. It's the tired after decorating for Christmas and finally being able to sit in the simple but festive living room, savoring the sounds of ice skating on NBC while homemade soup simmers on the stove. Tired that comes from corralling young teens at a birthday party, and then spending the afternoon walking around Wal-Mart with two of my favorite people. I wouldn't trade the exhaustion caused by living for anything.
This week a regular stopped by my work. Because of his frequent visits to the store for produce, water, and small bulk treats we address each other by our first names. As he came through my line at the first register I asked him how life was. He told me that it was good because he was focusing on the good. Then he added, "Your focus becomes your reality." I can't get that out of my head.
For Young Women introductions as a Beehive or for Relief Society spotlights my mom use to relate stories of my strong will and various times where I'd make a goal and stop at nothing until I witnessed it's fruition. This has come back to bite me. While blessings whirled around me this Thanksgiving I found myself in a rut, wondering where my life was going and feeling a ridiculous amount of self-pity. It felt like I was skidding off a cliff as I witnessed bank account numbers slowly descend. As dishes piled in the sink I felt like a slave to chores. I was feeling that choosing to be a good wife and future mother was not enough.
Thankfully, I was not on verge of bankruptcy or about to die from a highly contagious bout of vacuumingitis. I was just out of focus. I was so intent on focusing on all the imperfect aspects of my life that I failed to truly appreciate the friends and family that surrounded me. I didn't seem to take as much notice of the sweet little things my husband did for me. The blessings of the gospel seemed lost in a haze of confusion and misery. I only saw dishes and dust and poverty.
Photographers use focus to draw the onlookers eye to a single spot by blurring everything else out. That doesn't erase every looming or supportive backstage character. It just makes them harder to see. I think Satan knows a lot about photography, or at least about focus. He knows if he can get us to see only one thing (addictions), or focus only on the negative (pessimism), we won't be able to see the many incredible blessings God has given. Lack of gratitude leads to lack of faith, which can create a rift in our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Satan knows a lot about rifts too.
I'm going to try to focus on my blessings this week. While my trials will still be in the background, I'll have faith and let my Father guide me. With Him, anything is possible.